My relationship with alcohol started at just 15... I was young, naive and hurting inside. My parents' relationship had broken down for what felt like the 50th time and I was finding it hard to have a relationship with my mum. I was really struggling to fit in and find my place in the world...
Looking back, I guess I've always felt different, like I've never really fit in anywhere.
This has meant that for most of my life I've felt isolated and alone, often feeling like I was weird and made to feel like an outcast. I didn't understand it at the time, but I now know that my weirdness was just that I was spiritually connected from a very young age. My soul knew that I was here for a purpose. However, that has left me feeling so frustrated and confused over the years, not fully knowing what that purpose is!
Why am I telling you this? Well, I think it's one of the big reasons I turned to alcohol and it might be one of the reasons you turned to it too... Do you ever feel like you don't belong or that your meant for something greater but just don't know how to quite get there..
My relationship with alcohol began one Saturday night at a party. My friend and her older brother decided to throw a party whilst their parents were away. I remember feeling so grown up and excited to leave my childhood behind. As I took that first sip of my Strongbow cider, I wondered why in the heck people would drink this shit. It tasted like poison. I should have been turned off but I wasn't and I continued to drink that night in an attempt to fit in.
After just two hours, I found myself vomiting my guts up lying in a rose bush in the back garden, completely unconscious and missing the entire party! A sure sign my body was rejecting the poison I had just ingested.
That night should have turned me off alcohol for life but it didn't because in those brief moments before I vomited all over myself and passed out, I was someone else! I was confident, socially accepted and I loved the high! I was going through a lot during this time in my life and I loved the way alcohol took away the pain, the anxiety and the stressors in my life.
My teenage years and my 20s revolved around drinking. It was as if the only way I knew how to blow off some steam and have a good time was to binge drink on the weekends. Looking back, I also put myself in stupid situations and did some dumb things. But it was all in the name of fun... wasn't it?
When I became a mum, I thought that I could put the drinking behind me.... and for a period of time I did just that. I only drank on the odd social outing and special occasions. But then, as I had more children and I began to feel totally overwhelmed and stressed by motherhood, I found myself comforted by alcohol once again.
It started with one glass of wine whilst I cooked dinner for the family. Every night was the same. I would cook dinner whilst listening to the kids kill each other, the baby scream, feeling so unsupported and overwhelmed, desperate for my husband to get home and help.
He always seemed to walk through the door just as I was putting dinner on the table... f#$king convenient, right? The wine just took that edge off... It helped me stay calm in the chaos that was my life. But then as the months went on, one glass turned into two, then three... and before I knew it, I was drinking a bottle a night to get that elusive high I craved. That feeling that it would all be OK!
I knew it wasn't serving me, especially as I began to do more inner work, but I just couldn't seem to stop. It was my thing, the one thing that I could give myself to make me feel better inside.
What I didn't realise at the time was that I was simply using it as a way to protect myself. I was neglecting my needs and numbing my deep pain with wine!
I felt so much pressure to keep it together to not let anyone question my ability as a mum! My focus was on not letting the ball drop...I needed everyone to see I was just fine! I was a great MUM and I was strong 💪 enough to do it all!!
But sadly, it came at a cost...
And that cost was me. I was falling apart....
I was beyond exhausted, I hated every part of me, and I would often question why my husband stayed with me... It got so bad that I found myself questioning whether my children would be better off without me?
Sadly, I spent years here...
At first, I didn't feel so guilty because all the mums were doing it. The memes on Facebook were reassuring us that that's how you cope with motherhood, you drink wine.
Then one rainy afternoon as I walked out of Coles holding my 4-year-old daughters hand, she turned to me and said, Mummy, you forgot your wine. I turned and looked her in the eyes and my heart shattered into a thousand pieces 💔
I knew at that moment that I didn't want my daughter to grow up and think that her role as a mother meant neglecting her needs, masking her pain, numbing her feelings, using wine as a coping mechanism in motherhood.
I saw motherhood in a different light that rainy afternoon. As I stared into those beautiful almond-shaped eyes, I knew things needed to change.
At that moment, I made the decision that I wanted to be a more present and conscious parent! Here standing before me was not just my daughter but a beautiful little soul who picked me to be her mother!
I knew that numbing, suppressing and ignoring my feelings was only making me distance myself further away from my inution. It was time to stop numbing and start feeling!
Did you know feelings are actually meant to be deeply felt... my mind was blown when I heard this!
So now, for the first time since I was 15 I'm feeling all the feelings!
Getting sober hasn't been easy... but I can promise you it's 1000% worth it! I still have my hard days, but it is getting easier. The truth is that I've consciously missed way too much of my life, I've missed so much guidance from my intuition. I don't want to miss any more!
If you need help to feel again, I'd love to support you through my Private Coaching Program.
Just know that I’m here for you beautiful when your ready! Xx