I knew my time of being controlled by Christianity was over! I knew there had to be more out there than just Christianity and obeying God.So I embarked on an incredible journey trying to understand how God, Spirituality and Christianity fit into my life. My life without my beautiful mother to guide me anymore. I needed to understand why I was here, why was I enduring all this sh%$ in my life, why was everything going wrong! Why was there so much pain inside me? I share this intimate, confronting and beautiful journey in my book Becoming a Butterfly, so I won't go into detail here.
But one of the greatest things I discovered from reading countless books, working with mentors, coaches and healers and going deep within my own soul is that I chose this life. This was big for me because here I was brought up to believe that I was meant to be perfect! I was meant to be a good girl, do good things, love God deeply and he would give me my hearts desires.... yet here I was in a cesspool of pain. I was suffering from depression, trauma and anxiety with so much hatred in my heart for this so-called God. I did everything right yet I ended up here.
I now know that we are all souls who have chosen to incarnate at this time to learn, to make mistakes and to feel! How can one truly know the pain of loss if they have never lost? How can you truly feel love if you have never loved? I believe that before we came here each of us planned our lives before we were born making contracts and vows to people in this lifetime. It's not set in stone as we have free choice, but we have the choice to learn from what we are going through or not. And if not, then we often have to go through something similar in this lifetime or the next in order to learn the lesson.
This was huge for me! Knowing that I wasn't meant to get life perfect and that it was important for me to make mistakes changed everything for me. Instead of berating myself every time I made a mistake, I learnt to love making mistakes. I looked at the mistake I'd made, looked at how it shaped me and then I chose how I wanted to react to it and learn from it.
Let me give you an example... So my eldest son triggers me all the time. One afternoon he was having a meltdown and slammed his bedroom door. What he didn't realise was that his little sister's fingers were in the corner of the door where the hinges were. I turned around to see my baby screaming in agony. I thought her fingers had been severed. I rushed over to open the door and ran in yelling at him! How could you have done this? What were you thinking? Why is nothing ever good enough for you? Why do you hate everyone so much?
As his parent I should have done things differently and I hated myself for the way I reacted! I told myself I was a terrible mother. I cried that I couldn't do this anymore. I wondered whether someone could do this better. I reminded myself of what a bad person I was!
What I was doing was punishing myself for the way I reacted and made Josh feel. There must always be a punishment for a mistake, right? No.
Punishing myself was only going to make me fall into the depths of depression again, make me feel like shit about myself. That wouldn't be good for Josh or I! So, instead, I chose to see this as a big life lesson for both me and Josh. I could choose to hate myself for it and risk falling back into a depressive state or I could see this as an opportunity for growth and learning. I felt into the feelings that I was feeling, journaled about them, then released them into the universe to be replaced with love, compassion and understanding. I felt into the feelings first to remind myself I don't ever want to feel like this again! They would be my reminder to me not to react like that again.
What's really helped me on this journey called life is a knowing that I don't have to carry around all my mistakes in a suitcase to bring me down, I can release them to feel lighter and increase my energetic vibration. Yes, learn from these feelings, but you don't need to hold onto them to punish yourself. You don't need to tell yourself you're a shitty person for making mistakes! You aren't here to get it perfect! The goal is not to be a perfect soul, it's to learn and to grow, so you don't have to go through the same lesson in another lifetime!
Everything in your life has happened for you, not to you. They are all lessons that you chose to learn in this incarnation and its your choice whether you choose to learn from them and release them or hold onto them and let them fester inside you making you feel like a terrible person for the rest of your life!
I still make mistakes every day, but instead of beating myself up about them, I sit with them, feel into them, try to understand why they have been sent to me... Then I simply EMBRACE LIFE LESSONS and let them go!!!
Understanding all of this has made a HUGE difference in my life and my battle with mental health, so I hope by sharing it, it may help you too! It's something that has worked exceptionally well for my beautiful clients too!
If you would like to read more about the healing power of the life you planned before you were born, Robert Schwartz's books are AMAZING - You're Soul Plan: Discovering the real meaning of the life you planned before you were born, Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life you Planned Before you were born and You're Souls Love: Living the Love You Planned Before You Were Born.